fight the fatty
I know I need to talk about the positive not the negative about myself while trying to lose weight, so here's my attempt. Just got back from the gym. I've lost 3 pounds in the last week and a half so I guess I am finally starting to see some results, plus I am gaining muscle. Ye old cellulite looks better (it's starting to smooth out) and that's a comfort. I have lost 5-6 pounds total in a month and a half, but that's better than none. Everyone I talked to says it takes about two months going to the gym to see results so I guess I am right on track and just need to be patient. I do 30-40 mins of strenuous cardio then about 30 mins of weights. I am slowly building up to more weight and harder levels on the cardio machines. We'll see if I can get back to the shape I want to be in by new years, which has now become my goal. I want to be a size 10, I might have to settle for 12 because of my frame (Tall, big chested, wide shoulders and hip bones), but 10 is my goal. Right now I am a 14/16 but 16 is starting to get a bit loose on me. Thank god. I think I need to loose another 7-8 pounds to be a solid 14 again, and then about 10 more to be a 12, 10-12 more after that and I might squeeze into a 10 (at least in skirts, I dunno if the boobs will ever let me conquer size 10 tops). I guess my total weight loss goal is about 30-35 pounds. I have to keep writing about it, it seems to help. Like a reminder to myself to keep at it. I miss being vain. I don't mean that in a stuck up way. But I have noticed that when you let yourself go beyond what you see as healthy for yourself it does do a considerable damage to one's self esteem. Something I never had a problem with being low, even when i was slightly pudgy, I used to love to take pics, primp in the mirror, etc. I need to feel good about myself again, think I look good in clothing, hell, I need to be able to actually WEAR clothing I find attractive and styles I like. I can barely do that right now. Nothing is more depressing than being a CLOTHING DESIGNER and not being able to fit in your own designs/clothing ideals. That's going to change. It's got to. I will not let myself feel down about being overweight anymore. I am going to win this time. Then maybe I will actually feel like going out more, modeling/taking pics again, and just be healthier all over.

I told myself I will not be the "chunky monkey" when I visit LA for the 1st time. I have about 2 weeks before I go. If I can loose about-5 more pounds before then, I think I will feel alright with myself. I'll cross my fingers now.